The Horror-Like Movie Marathon Wrap Up Part 1


It is November 1st.  That means it is time for the first part of my Horror-Like Movie Marathon wrap up awards ceremony.  It needs a name though.  The awards ceremony needs a name.  The Scream Awards are already taken.  Damn you Spike TV.  How about...Jurassic Griffin presents: The Horror-Like Movie Marathon Awards.  Yeah.  I’m unoriginal.  I thought we knew that already.  On with the show...

The first award is the award titled the Not So Yummy award.  This award is presented to the movie that featured the food I would most not like to eat.  There was some stiff competition in this category.  Some of the runners up included Trick ‘R Treat for the lollypop that one character is forced to put in her mouth, the entire Sleepaway Camp series for some not so great looking summer camp food, and Survival of the Dead for zombies that ate human flesh.  Survival of the Dead was a very close second to the winner only because if I were a zombie, like those eating the flesh, I’d probably want the flesh.  The winner is Cruel World.  Why?  There is a scene in which each person must cut out some meat from a cow themselves, and cook it on the barbecue.  That doesn’t seem so bad.  Until you realize there is a dead human body in the cow and they could just as easily be cutting the person and eating them without knowing.  Eww.  Congratulations on winning the Not So Yummy award, Cruel World.

That brings us to award number two of the night.  This award is dubbed the Hey, I Can Act Too award.  It will be presented to the best musician who had a role in one of the movies.  They have to also be recognizable as musicians to me.  This gives me a few candidates, and I’ll name the runners up first.  Ice T was featured in Leprechaun in the Hood.  He was the weak link in the movie for me, which is why he’s a runner up.  There was also a terrible performance by Busta Rhymes in Halloween Resurrection that I must take note of and say he lost this award.  I hope he doesn’t martial arts me like he did Michael Myers.  The man that wins the award from me is LL Cool J for his comparatively amazing performance in Halloween H20.  Take this award with pride LL Cool J.

Now it comes to the time where I am supposed to make a few jokes.  What did the director write on that cue card?  Let’s see.  Do you know what job John Carpenter had before he became a filmmaker?  A carpenter.  Really?  That’s the best joke?  I’m going to just go back to the awards.

The award for the most zombielike character to not actually be a zombie.  It needs a shorter name.  The Uuuurg But Not Really award.  One runner up was Michael Myers who was resurrected so many times he might actually be a zombie.  The problem is the emotion he managed to show through the mask.  The next runner up was the cast of the fake game show in Cruel World who may or may not have eaten human flesh out of the inside of a cow.  The winner of the award, however, is every robot character in Halloween 3: Season of the Witch.  I will accept the award on their behalf because...well, the end of the movie says it all.

There seems to be enough time for one more award in today’s portion of The Horror-Like Movie Marathon Awards.  The final award of this instalment will be the movie that made me feel the most Canadian, or the Canucker for short.  Runners up for the Canucker were: Leprechaun in Space because it is cold in space, and in Canada it is cold in the winter; House of Wax if only for the fact that the city I live in has a lot of wax museums; and Rob Zombie’s Halloween II for featuring a woman in white and a white horse, while here in Canada we spend half a year with white snow.  The winner of the Canucker is Survival of the Dead because the cast, the crew, and the shooting locations were all in Canada.

We have now reached the conclusion of part one of The Horror-Like Movie Marathon Awards.  A quick recap: Cruel World won the Not So Yummy Award; LL Cool J won the Hey, I Can Act Too award; the Uuuurg But Not Really award went to the robots from Halloween 3: Season of the Witch; and the winner of the Canucker was Survival of the Dead.  Come back on November 2nd for the next instalment of this three parter, where I will give out a few more awards to some lucky movies, actors, characters, and moments.

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