The Mustache Movie Marathon Awards Part 1


Welcome to the awards for the Mustache Movie Marathon.  This is a two day event that will encompass many of the best and worst aspects of the marathon.  Today, we will have four awards and tomorrow we will have five awards.  That’s how we roll.  Nine movies, nine awards.  Yes yes.

The first award is for the best quote.  Honourable mentions for the best quote include: any of the foreign language that is spoken in The Great Dictator; “I used to rape guys like you in prison,” from Road House; “I don’t want a large farva, I want a goddamn litre of cola,” from Super Troopers; and another line from Super Troopers “Who wants a mustache ride?”  The winner, however, is of course from There Will Be Blood.  “I drink your milkshake!  I drink it up!”  How can you pick anything else?  Yes, I missed some great dialogue but these are some of the more memorable lines.

Moving on, the next award is for the best song in the movie.  I don’t think I need to really put in the nominees because the winner of the best song is Eastbound and Down from the film Smokey and the Bandit.  There is no other choice.  You could argue the theme for The Pink Panther.  Nope.  You could say any of the Jeff Healey Band songs from Road House, but they don’t come close.  When you think of Smokey and the Bandit, you first think of The Bandit.  Then you think of Buford T. Justice.  And the next thing you think of is the song.  Eastbound and Down.  Top song of the entire marathon.  Congratulations, Jerry Reed.  Your song got the award for the best song of my Mustache Movie Marathon.

Now we get onto the big awards of the series.  Nobody cares so much about the music or the dialogue.  What you really want is the best actor, best actress, and best movie.  And the worst of each of those.  The best and worst of those three categories are the awards that must be covered.  Oh, and of course, I need to do a best mustache award.  That one will be tomorrow though.  The two following awards are for best and worst actress.

The worst actress of the marathon is always an interesting award because men are featured more prominently, and usually a woman is trying to be better in order to be noticed.  I really only have four actresses that I would put into this category, and two of them are from Road House.  Let’s check out who the nominees are.  Nancy Travis gets a nomination for Three Men and a Baby.  I really just didn’t like the movie, and really didn’t like her part.  The second nominee is Madeline Zima as the little girl in Mr. Nanny.  Now I’m moving onto the epic movie that is Road House.  Kelly Lynch gets a nomination.  She’s not necessarily terrible, but she is in no way memorable.  But the winner, also from Road House, is the woman who kept hitting on Patrick Swayze.  I’m not sure what her name was, but all I know is she kept trying to get in his pants and she was doing a terrible job of it.  Anyway, she wins.

The final award for today is going to be the best actress of the marathon.  Once again, this is a difficult category because men are usually the people to get the spotlight in movies featuring mustaches.  There are three honourable mentions and then a winner here.  Two of the honourable mentions come from The Pink Panther.  Both Capucine and Claudia Cardinale put in stellar performances throughout what I think is an almost flawless comedy.  The next honourable mention goes Olivia de Havilland who played Maid Marian in The Adventures of Robin Hood.  She was a great addition to a film full of men.  And then we have our winner.  Is there really any other choice than the winner?  Once again it seemed like a no brainer of a win.  Paulette Goddard gave one of the best performances of the entire marathon in The Great Dictator.  That is a little bit obvious, of course, since she won the award for best actress.

As you can see, this set of awards doesn’t have quite the same flair as the past set.  That’s because I’m just getting right into the bigger awards.  Here’s a recap of the awards for today.

The best quote from a film went to “I drink your milkshake!  I drink it up!” from the film There Will Be Blood.  The best song went to Eastbound and Down from the movie Smokey and the Bandit.  The worst actress went to the woman who keeps hitting on Dalton in Road House.  The best actress was won by Paulette Goddard for her performance in The Great Dictator.  That’s four different movies winning awards.  No movie had won twice.  Let’s see if it stays that way through tomorrow’s set.

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