Playing for Keeps (2012)

 

One of the worst movies of 2012, by popular decision, was Playing for Keeps.  I watched the movie.  I do not have much to say about the movie or about a topic related to the movie.  I could go into the topic of movies in which they built a solid cast that doesn’t live up to the people involved.  I could do that.  I’m not going to.  This is a movie that died on its plot alone.  Everything about it is fine, except for the plot.  For that reason, and that reason alone, I am going to transcribe the plot of the movie.  And yes, there will be spoilers.  If you don’t want to be spoiled on this movie, do not read beyond this point.

Okay, so here we go.  Open on Gerard Butler playing soccer.  His character played for his nation until some sort of injury, I think.  Now he wants to be a sports broadcaster, or at least a correspondent for soccer.  In the middle of filming a demo reel, he gets a phone call informing the viewer that he’s broke.  Do you know what he does to make money?  Not prostitution.  He sells some of his old soccer stuff to some guy.

Gerard Butler is now living in America.  I think it is Washington for some reason, but I could be completely wrong.  I don’t care.  He wants to be close his ex-wife (Jessica Biel) and their kid (some kid).  He lives in a guest house owned by the principal from Glee.  This is all revealed at the beginning of the movie.

Butler is given the task of taking his kid to soccer practice.  The coach of the team is an idiot who is always on his phone.  During the second practice, Butler walks onto the field to show the kids how to really play soccer.  All of the parents love him (especially the women, which will come up again later). So they enlist him to be the new coach.  Dennis Quaid bribes Butler so that his son will be goalkeeper, and his daughter will sing the national anthem at a game.  Somehow, this causes the two of them to hit it off as friends.

Now the chain of events is a little foggy to me.  The order might be slightly off here.  Butler brings his son to his place for the night, but the kid doesn’t like it and wants to go home.  Gerard Butler takes the kid home.  Another night, Butler is invited to a party that Quaid is hosting, and Quaid gives him a Ferrari.  I think it was a Ferarri.  He goes to Biel’s house and accidentally sets of the car alarm.  It’s the early early morning.  He woke people up, obviously.  Dumb ass.  But at least he gets laid soon.

So at some point, Gerard goes home and one of the moms, played by Judy Greer, is waiting for him.  She shows him her dating profile.  Then they get it on, because she didn’t come on as desperate and needy at all.  Maybe he was lonely after Biel continuously crushing his dreams of getting back together with him.  Did I mention she is with some new guy?  No?  Oh.  I probably should have.  Anyway, Butler bangs Greer, and she leaves him a note saying that he broke her slump.

Gerard Butler is a great dad, so when Dennis Quaid ends up in jail, he skips his kid’s soccer game to bail Quaid out.  Don’t worry though, he lets his kid drive the Ferrari and almost crashes.  Then he tells the kid not to tell his mom, but the kid doesn’t listen.  Butler gets a phone call while his kid is driving.  It’s Catherine Zeta-Jones acting all better than everyone again.  She says that she can get him an ESPN audition and that he must come over right away.  He goes to her place, makes his kid play with her kid, and goes to the news studio with Zeta-Jones to make another audition tape.  When they finish filming, they have sex.  Yeah.  He gets laid again, by another parent of another kid on his kid’s soccer team.  Butler really gets around.

When Butler and Quaid were driving home from jail, Quaid said that he has people follow his wife to make sure she’s not cheating.  This is important because Butler goes home to get a phone call from Quaid’s wife (Uma Thurman) saying she’s in Butler’s bed.  Only, she isn’t.  She went in the actual house instead of the guest house, so she’s in Glee principal’s bed.  She runs into Butler’s house.  He doesn’t have sex with her because Quaid is his friend.

Cut to the next soccer game.  All at the same time, Catherine Zeta-Jones is pulling her ear which means that she’s thinking of Butler on top of her, Judy Greer is calling Butler on his cell phone, and Quaid is trying to fight Butler for having Thurman in his bed.  There are pictures of Thurman in his bed.  Biel sees these, ruining Butler’s chances to win her back again.  Not that I can remember most of him trying to win her back, what, with all of the sexing going in.

I’m maybe about two thirds of the way through the movie right now.  Biel is going to marry that guy that she’s with.  At this point, Butler actually starts trying to win her back.  She says she doesn’t want him back if he’s in it more for her than the kid.  So Butler takes the kid to go practice some soccer in a rainy field.  Biel goes and spies on them.  She and Butler and the kid start hanging out.  Guy she’s with gets suspicious.  Butler goes to her dress fitting and makes out with Biel.  Guy she’s with doesn’t see this, but he’s still suspicious.

Catherine Zeta-Jones shows up at Butler’s place while his kid is staying over.  She wants to tell him that he got the ESPN job and she wants to have sex.  He tells her to go away.  He doesn’t tell her that it’s because he’s still in love with his ex-wife.

Butler’s ex-wife tells him to leave her alone and that they will not get back together, so Butler takes the job and moves away.  The end.  Nope, not the end.  On his way there, Butler turns his car around and comes back.  While he was gone, suspicious guy confronted Biel.  She said she never stopped loving Butler.  The marriage is off.  Butler comes home and everyone plays on the front lawn.

Oh, and Greer got together with Glee principal guy because all women like accents.

So, that was the story of Playing for Keeps.  That story is why the movie is bad.  There isn’t much more to it than that.  What you have read explains it all.  I promise that next week’s bad movie post will not be a play by play of the movie.  This one was just...I had to share the story for you to understand the issues.  Now you understand.  Now we can move on.

There are some notes to share:

• Jessica Biel was nominated for a Razzie for Worst Supporting Actress for her performance in Playing for Keeps.
• If you have a suggestion of a bad movie to cover, feel free to suggest it or message me on Twitter.